Go to the Mattresses!

There are about 4,000 species of cockroaches in the world. 30 of which are found in human habitations. Of that 30, 4 are considered pests. Patty and Ashley don’t know which kind they have, but scientific classification of this insect is hardly relevant when two squealing girls are jumping on the bed and throwing random household objects at the walls in the middle of the night.

It all started about a month ago when Patty spotted such a pest above Ashley’s bedroom door. The two of them proceeded to throw a fit and do, what has now become a ritual dance, in the dining room. Much like a ceremonial bonfire, the two dance and jump around their weapons of choice, a bottle of Raid, a roll of paper towels and a pink converse shoe, while shaking both hands in the air. One will say, “It’s so big,” which will usually lend itself to the other saying “that’s what she said;” a little comedic relief to the very serious situation at hand.

Wikipedia notes that the centipede is the most effective control agent of cockroaches, but Ashley and Patty find centipedes themselves quite objectionable. They waited until another three incidences occurred before calling about pest control. Here is a documentation of one of those incidences.

Shortly after this night, Patty called the front office. She spoke to a very nice lady on the other end of the line who said nonchalantly, “Well, it is roach season,” with a little giggle. There’s nothing funny about finding a roach in any condition, in any part of your home. A few days later, a handsome young man came a knockin’. You could call him their knight in shining uniform. He came prepared to slay the enemy. He sprayed around the whole apartment while exchanging witty banter with Ashley, reminding her that they made a stop in the complex weekly. So, maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if we had to invite him back. *Sigh* Getting sidetracked, sorry.

The two thought all would be well. They finally felt safe in their little home, until last night. Patty heard Ashley calling her into the bedroom. She knew from the pit of her stomach that the tone is Ashley’s voice was one of despair.

“It’s somewhere on my bed,” Ashley said.

Patty tip toed further into the room, grabbed the corner of the comforter and flung it from the mattress to reveal a cockroach.

“That’s not the one I found,” Ashley pointed and yelled, “That’s not the one I found.”

Now, not only on the bed, but in the bed, the situation reaches a whole new level of, like, totally gross. After the discovered met his demise via pink converse shoe, we went on ransacking the sheets in search of the escapee. Finally it was found clinging to the side of the box spring. After a moment of collection, Ashley went in for the kill. She struck once, then twice, then thrice with the ultimate decapitation. Patty fetched the paper towels as Ashley proclaimed, “There is no amount of paper towels between my hand and the bug that makes me feel okay about picking it up.” It’s like the story of Princess and the Pea. Only a real princess has such delicate skin that she can feel a pea through twenty mattresses and twenty featherbeds.

She noticed it hadn’t been completely destroyed.

“It’s backpedaling,” she yelled! Patty grabbed the Raid and finished the job once and for all. Both predators were promptly flushed down the toilet. Hopefully this will be some kind of mafia warning to their hairy-legged friends in the pipes.

This has been Patty and Ashley with a whole new respect for “going to the mattresses.” Thanks for nothing, Rilo.